Lingerie for Men

Warning:  I promise this is not my new thing, but some feedback last week has resulted in a follow up post.  Sensitive subject matter follows, one last time. 

Since my last post, I have had dozens of women thank me, and several men grumble.  It is as though they missed the point of my post last week entirely.  They seem to think last week's post was intended to somehow to justify a woman in saying "let's chit chat instead of being intimate."

Which means they completely missed my point.

If you think last week's post was for women (which is totally wasn't), this one is for men.   I have heard several men over the past decade complain because women have lingerie to encourage men, but men have nothing comparable.

That's just not true.

Let me explain why this seems true.  Women differ from men, anatomically speaking.  Did you see the cartoon movie "Up?"  If you did, you will recall there are dogs in it with speech boxes.  They will be talking and then BAM, they see a squirrel.  At that point, they drop whatever they were saying or doing and yell "Squirrel!"  They completely drop their train of thought or plan of action because they see something that derails them.  Men are much like those dogs.

Yes, I'm talking to you and yes, I'm comparing you to a dog.  Because it's true.

Men are much more immediate than women.  That's the crux of why, when your wife tells you about her crappy day or her big problem, you don't get that she wants to wallow.  She wants empathy and to be understood.  You, on the other hand, want to present her with a solution and watch her beam at your general awesomeness.  When you try to solve something she already knows how to solve, she's upset for two reasons.  First, you aren't listening to her, and second, she feels patronized that you think she can't figure out how to solve it herself.  Women think, feel, and ruminate, and they crave validation, usually emotional validation.  Men act.  It's a generalization, but it's founded on a basic principle: Women consider while most men just do.

This is also true in the bedroom. For a man, his desire (or lack thereof) to be intimate is all about the last five minutes. For a woman, it's all about the past ten hours. Or even the past several days.

Guys, for better or worse, your lingerie is not found in a store or a box.  It's a little harder to put on than ours is.  Sorry, but it's true.  If you want the lady in your life to want you more often, I can promise you that she will--if you follow my advice.

Men's lingerie is spelled like this: Love Her.

The difficulty is getting her to believe you.  Saying the words is nice, but most women need more.  They want you to show them you love them.  I mentioned the five love languages last week.  This week, I'm giving you some homework, my friends.  Go find out what primary love language your lady love speaks, and if you're smart, figure out her secondary language, too.  If you want her to want you, show her that you want HER, and not just when she's wearing lingerie.  Show her you want HER, with her frizzy hair, and spastic jokes, and covered in baby spit up.  Show her you appreciate her and I promise you, this will have the same impact on her that her black lacy teddy has on you.

Also, because I know guys can be a bit lazy, I will sum up the love languages here, briefly.  I'm worried that if I don't at least gloss over them, you'll never go do a search for them.  Essentially they outline five ways to express love.  1. Acts of Service, 2. Physical Touch (save it, seriously, not like that), 3. Gifts, 4. Quality Time, and 5. Words of Affirmation.

1. If your wife craves acts of service, vacuuming the family room really could get your partner in the mood.  (Not if you tell her you're doing "her work" as service.  That will surely land you in a fight! but if you show her you're trying to help do your share of the household tasks... then yes!  Sometimes it's all about your attitude.)   Seriously though, every single time you do something she has asked you to do, or you do something you know she needs to get done (maybe she has a list on her phone), you are telling her you care about her.  You are telling her she matters to you, and guess what?  You will matter to her in return.

2.  If your wife loves physical touch, then hugging her, holding her hand, or touching her face will all show her you care.  Do it ALL DAY.  Don't just start five minutes before the kids go to bed, or worse, five minutes after they are in bed.  Show her all day that you cherish her, and you want to be around her, to be near her, to be touching her.

3. If your wife loves gifts, let me promise you, ten small gifts are WAY better than one big one.  It's not the value of the gifts, but the message you're sending.  You can make these, by the way.  My husband makes me things all the time.  It means even more when it's something he spent time on, instead of money.

4. If your partner loves quality time, put. your. phone. down.  Don't pick up that kindle.  Don't turn on the dang TV.  Talk to her!  Listen to her.  Tell her what you want to do next week, next month, next year.  I swear you will marvel at how she opens up, how she beams.  Bonus points if you plan some kind of activity that she loves and you don't.  She will know you are doing it just to spend time with her.

5. If your spouse's primary or secondary language is words of affirmation, you have the easiest task of all.  You already love her.  Now you just have to tell her why!  If you struggle with talking, do it in writing.  If you're bad at writing, leave her voicemails, tell her in person, text her.  Do not try to get fancy by googling poems or using a thesaurus.  Just be direct and honest.  Tell her all the things you love, not just physical ones.  You love how she moves.  How she sings, how she dances, how she cares for others, how she cares for you.  Be as specific as you can.  Thank her for things she's done, tell her you appreciate her and exactly why you do.

Women burn slowly.  Think about a pot roast.  Yes, I'm comparing women to meat.  If you buy an inexpensive cut of meat, and you plop it down in a frying pan, and try to cook it as fast as you can, it will be gross.  Seriously, you won't be able to choke it down.  (Harking back to last week, you might come to resent it...)  But if instead, you put it on low heat and you simmer that meat all day, at the end of the day it will fall apart on your plate.

Men, put us on low and cook us all day.  Show us you love us.  "But we're at work," you say. "What can we do?"  You can text your wife and tell her you love her.  (See #5 above.)  You can make her a card that has her pictures of her favorite things on it. (You've hit #s 3 and 5 with that one.)  You can pick up a Dr. Pepper for her on the way home.  (#3)  You can kiss her on the way out the door, and you can hug her on your way in.  Then hold her hand during dinner.  (#2)  Or you can put your phone away during breakfast and dinner. (#4)  You can pick up groceries or dry cleaning or drop the kids off at school, or you can do the dishes.  While you're at the store, grab her favorite pack of gum.  (#s 1 and 3)  Look, fellas, really it's all about thinking these things through.  You can find ways to do this within a budget and in a time frame that fits you.

Ultimately, don't forget that you have the biggest thing in the world going for you: she loves you and you love her.  Just remember, for a woman, it's a marathon, not a sprint.  Now go get those running shoes on and start stretching.