How we're failing our kids: Managing Disappointment

Today I went to school to take food to my kids' teachers for teacher appreciation week.  I decided to take lunch to my kids, too.  My second grader and my kindergartener were both thrilled.  They don't really understand why I don't do this all the time.

I took my two and three year old along with me because dad was working.  Once we reached the school, my two year old freaked out, as usual, and insisted I carry her all the way to the cafeteria.  I felt this was an understandable reaction to a strange place, so I carried her.  And two bags of food, two drinks for the teachers, a purse full of food, and drinks for the two babies.  It was not an enjoyable walk.

Food drop-off and lunch with Dora went great.  Then we waited about half an hour until my son's lunchtime.  By that point, the girls were tired and whiny.  They wanted to go home.  They were fighting over a scrap of paper--literally.

Poor Eli did not have a wonderful lunch.  Tessa was crying because Emmy wouldn't give her this scrap of paper.  I offered a finger puppet, a bracelet, a plane, candy, and another scrap of paper (the contents of my purse.)  None of these things could compare to the joy that the yellow piece of paper Emmy had would bring to Tessa.  She was not to be satisfied with anything else.  Lots of crying.  Finally, about 2/3 of the way through lunch, Emmy was waving this very amazing paper in Tessa's face and little sister snatched it, and promptly tore it in half.

Whoops.

Emmy was disappointed.  If disappointed means that she threw herself down, screaming and throwing a tantrum.  Did I mention how much I love three year olds?  Half the moms in the cafeteria were beside themselves, and I feel like most of them felt I was not doing my job as a parent.  They offered several solutions, all of which basically involved replacing the paper.

Technically this is Tessa throwing a fit here, not Emmy, but you get the picture.

I could have replaced the paper, except I think replacing the paper is what's wrong with America.

When I was little, if I was being a brat, my mom told me to suck it up.  I could cry and throw a tantrum, but eventually I'd realize that being a little brat wouldn't work.  I learned something valuable: how to manage my disappointment.  Things did not always go my way when I was growing up.  Sometimes I got a bad grade.  Sometimes a teacher didn't like me and wasn't fair.  Sometimes I had trouble finding a job.  Sometimes I just didn't get the particular princess crown I desperately wanted.

It sucks, but it's life.  And it only gets worse as you get older.

These days, the second a kid cries, mom or dad rush to provide the child with whatever caused the tears.  Every little disappointment must be avoided.  If I'm at a restaurant and my child is distressed, people rush to me, just as they did today at school, eager to help me give my child whatever his or her heart desires.

This is not okay.

Our job as parents is to prepare our children to become adults.  I recall being desperately sad in tenth grade when I did not land a significant role in a high school play.  I knew my sorrow was justified because my mom had told me about all the plays she acted in during high school.  She was a star.  Why was I a failure?  She sat me down and explained that for the several notable roles she landed, she failed to get far more.  She also explained that her school was smaller, with much laxer competition.  She told me that if I wanted to get some good roles, I needed to put in the time, work harder, and the opportunities would come.  She was right.

That was an important teaching moment that made sense because mom had already taught me that I couldn't win every time.  Children must be taught that when things don't work, they need to respond positively and then work harder, if they want better results.  If we keep giving our kids whatever they want, we are teaching them two very bad things:

1. They don't have to work because if they cry hard enough, someone will give them what they want.
2. They can throw a fit every time they are disappointed.

If you're an adult, you know these things are not true.  You have to work for anything of value, because by definition, if you don't work for it, you won't value it.  And disappointment goes hand in hand with every valuable venture.  You need to learn to react positively to disappointment, or you will never succeed in life because: NO ONE LIKES A CRYBABY!!

The next time your child starts to cry, dare to do what I did today.  Explain calmly to the child that the crying won't help.  Let them throw their tantrum until they calm down enough to  listen to your explanation.  My children know that when we are at home, if they react with a tantrum, they go to the laundry room.  I set them on the floor and close the door until they have calmed down enough to talk.  Resist the urge to give in because it's easier for you.  I know it sucks, and when you aren't at home, people's judgement is frustrating, but as a parent, you must hold the line and take the time to explain this to them now.  It will save you a lot of headache and your child a lot of heartache in the future.