All the moms with older kids lied to me

I vividly recall the time before I had my first child. I couldn't wait to have a baby, start a family and become a mother. It would be magical. It would be life changing.

I was right about one thing. It changed my life.

But I didn't realize how bone-wearyingly exhausting it would be. I also didn't realize how very little positive feedback I would receive.

Don't get me wrong. I loved my babies, and I have loved being a mother. But it was NOT magical. There was too much poop (and attendant constipation, dirty diapers, blow outs, etc etc etc), too much spit up, too much crying (SO MUCH CRYING), too little sleep, and perhaps hardest of all. . . I began to count time in tiny, unpredictable blocks. I was never sure if I could sleep, or make jam, or accomplish anything at all before a baby called me back to immediate service.

I was invited in those early days to a play date. Mothers there had children ranging from newborns all the way up to pre-teen. For many of them, they had several children, including a baby.

[I should preface this with a caveat: I do not handle babies well. When I am not getting six hours of sleep, I am crabby and borderline depressed. When my house is a mess, I want to curl up and cry. When my plans are derailed, I do not handle it with aplomb. And I never, ever, successfully nursed. Those things may have colored my view on all of this. For those of you who do handle it well, BRAVO! But I think there are a lot of people out there like me. Babies and toddlers are HARD.]

I asked at one of those play dates (while sitting there, thinking, "Why did I even come to this? It's so much harder to care for my colicky newborn at a park than it is at home!") "When does this get easier?"

The mothers gathered around me laughed. "It doesn't," one of them said. "It only gets harder as they get older."

That was a horrible lie.

I don't think they meant to lie to me. Motherhood is taxing and it is always difficult in many ways. But I was in the middle of drowning. I was asking if someone could toss me a life preserver. I wanted to know when life would feel like LIFE again, when I would have someone to tell me I was doing a good job, when the diapers and the drudgery and the constant mess clean-up would ever end. They told me that as my children grew, my difficulties as a mother would also grow.

Now cut to today. When people find out I'm an author, and that I put out eight full length novels, edited three rounds, polished and launched. When they find out that I do it indie, so I make my own covers, I create and run my own ads, and I manage. . . well, everything. And then they hear that I have two horses. Five kids aged 3-12. Church responsibilities. That I'm a lawyer who still works. When they hear I have chickens, cats and a border collie... they say "HOW!? How do you have time?"

To that, I will always reply, "My life is so much easier now than it was when I had one newborn. When I had a newborn and a toddler. My life is so much easier now that my children are older."

Because it's absolutely true.

Today I was out sweeping the very messy barn because the vet is coming today to float one of my horse's teeth. I didn't want him to judge me too hard. :P And my son came by, as he always does, on his way out to the bus. He saw me sweeping and. . . he grabbed the other broom. He swept until he saw the bus, and then he sprinted out to catch it. This is the same son who cares for his dog. He unloads the dishes every morning. He bathes and dresses and reads stories to his three year old brother. He loads the dishwasher at night. He practices piano, violin and does his homework without being asked. He reads morning noon and night because he loves it. His lowest grade in Pre-AP/GT classes at school on his progress report was a NINETY-SEVEN.

I'm not bragging. I'm telling you: the hard, exhausting, bone-wearying work that you do as toddlers PAYS OFF. And you get to SEE that happen! It is glorious! It is fulfilling! And yes, life is busy. And yes, they ask you questions that are harder to answer than, "Did they have the color blue when you were a kid?" And you have hard decisions to make all the time. Does he get an iPhone? When? What rules will you implement? When do you trust and when do you monitor? How do I respond when he makes mistakes? (And they make mistakes, large and small!) How do I teach him about the gray in the world? (Black and white is easy!)

But they grow up. They start helping YOU. They tell you they love you. They bring you poems dedicated to their love for their mother. Your heart soars.

And they wipe their own bum. And if you're lucky, their little siblings bums too.

So to the mothers out there in the trenches. To the mothers with a newborn. With a toddler. With two toddlers. You hear about my zoo, and you say, "I don't know how you do it. I can barely handle my (one, or two, or three.)"

Here is my message: Your life is as hard as it's going to get. If you can survive this stage, if you can hold the line, teaching your children that if you say something, you mean it, enforcing bedtimes so your children learn a routine, IT IS ALL DOWNHILL FROM THERE!

You are struggling? That's okay! I struggled in a very similar way. It's exactly what happens when you're right where you are. But the rainbow is REAL. It's there. At the end of that very long tunnel.

Hang in there. It will get so much better, and so much more beautiful one day at a time. I promise.