BC

You may think BC means "Before Christ." You would be wrong. In frazzledmom, it means before children.

Lots of people erroneously believe AD means "After Death." Of course, that makes no sense because then 33 years of history would sit between BC and AD. However, in this blog, it means "After Death of my freedom, aka, the birth of my first child."

I had many many many opinions BC. They were mostly ridiculous. I thought I'd share a few today.

BC: Looking at a mom and dad in the airport sitting by a kid who is watching a movie on a portable DVD player, I thought the following, "What is wrong with them? Don't they realize their kid needs their love and attention? I mean, if they plug the kid in on vacation, when will that kid ever get any affection?"

AD: Interior monologue while on vacation with my kids. "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LOOK AT THIS DVD player for ONE SECOND so *I* can have something resembling a break on what is supposed to be a vacation because if you don't I might do something horrible like bite you on the arm."

Don't worry I only bit one of my kids on the arm. And only that one time.

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BC: Inner dialogue at church. "OMG my nephew is drooling on my arm. HOLY CRAP this is so gross. Where am I going to wipe it? My dress is dry clean only so obviously drool will spot it permanently, ruining my $140 outfit. I can't believe I am holding this kid and I am getting drool everywhere. This is SO gross."

AD: Drool barely makes the list of "Things to wipe off" anymore. The List goes something like this...

7. Drool

6. Mushy unknown substance (usually some kind of pre-chewed food the kid spits in your hand). If you have nowhere to put it, you eat it yourself, of course.

5. Boogers/Snot

4. Spit up

3. Infant Pooh

2. Pooh Made By Kids Eating Real Food

1. Vomit Made By Kids Eating Real Food

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BC: Is that mom giving her kid CANDY? You can't give kids candy. You'll ruin them for life AND probably make them sick.

AD: Something I regularly say to Eli, "If you PROMISE not to hit your sister all day today, I will give you this bag of _____ candy." (Yes, it usually works.)

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BC: Inner monologue while watching a parent who I deemed too lax/inattentive. "Why doesn't that parent discipline their child? I mean, really, he/she/it is crawling all over the furniture. Besides which, you should be watching your own kid and not leaving them to pester me."

AD: Inner monologue while my kid crawls all over someone else, or their new furniture. "THANK HEAVENS my kids are pestering the crap out of my sister/cousin/little known stranger and leaving me alone for 5 minutes. Oh? Eli hit his sister? I am so glad I didn't see it so I don't have to go get up to discipline him."

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BC: On a plane. "That baby has been crying for like 10 minutes. What the crap is wrong with that mom? Do something for that kid. Sheesh."

AD: On a plane. "HOLY CRAP I can't get him to stop crying. I've tried: pacifiers, treats, bottles, new diaper, toys, DVD player with dozens of DVD options, funny faces, bouncing, burping, patting, treats and bottle again, my thumb, songs, more silly faces and so on ad nauseum, etc. TIMES INFINITY and this FREAKING KID WON'T STOP crying!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

Head explodes.

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BC: At the grocery store. "Is that mom really giving that kid candy just to keep her quiet while shopping? Oh please. What a bad precedent to set. That kid is spoiled."

AD: At the store now. "OF COURSE I will give you a new toy if you can be good for five minutes to I can get the ten gallons of milk you little rats drink and make it back out to the car to spend five minutes loading you up while the milk sweats and the frozen food melts. No problem. A toy and candy? Maybe. We'll see. Depends on how good (but what I really mean is bad) you are."

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BC: Seeing an injured child. "That mom needs to calm down. That kid is going to freak out more because she isn't being calm. Children feed off the parents's emotions."

AD: Seeing MY injured child. Interior monologue that ONLY BARELY shows through to my face and conduct. "HOLY FREAKING CRAP. HOLY FREAKING HOLY FREAKING CRAP my baby my baby my baby. MY BABY!!!! AHHHH!! My baby hurts. Is that a drop of blood? WHAT IF she is injured permanently... like for life!? Is that doctor making her hurt worse? I swear I will kill him if she cries more. BACK AWAY from my poor tiny little injured child. I swear if anyone tries to hurt him I will smack them in the face."

Yeah, AD is a gamechanger. That's for sure.

NO NAPS. ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NO NAPS

My kids, all three kids, have refused now, for two straight days, to take an afternoon nap. If you think a 4 year old kid, and a two year old kid are too old for naps, you are wrong. They all need naps. Why, you may wonder? Well, I think they physiologically need them, but it's more important than their needs.

Their mom needs a nap. If she doesn't get one, she might eat them.

So here, in no particular order, are my kids' varied and manifold reasons for not taking a nap.

Elijah: I need to go potty. (Legitimate.)

Isadora: My room is hot. (Legitimate, but her fault. She won't leave her A/C on. She hates fans and A/Cs of all kinds. My daughter's ability to turn the A/C off is another post entirely.)

Emerald: My room is cold. (Possibly legitimate. After she blew through an outfit, she was put in a sleeveless onesie and decorated bloomers. Her mom likes the house cold. Really cold. And she kicks off the blankets.)

Elijah: I need to go potty. (Not legitimate. You just went 5 minutes ago. It's success once does not predict success under all scenarios.)

Isadora: I need to go potty. (Legitimate. Pooh spread all over her hands indicates she actually needed to poop.)

Emerald: I am lonely. (Not legitimate. Mommy is the opposite of lonely. Go to sleep!)

Elijah: There's a dead lizard on the stairs. (Not legitimate. The death of small critters does not impact your nap.)

Isadora: There's an ant in my room. (Not legitimate. A black fleck is not an ant.)

Emerald: There's no bottle in my mouth. I absolutely cannot sleep without a bottle being held in my tiny, greedy mouth. (Not legitimate. Life sucks. Learn that now, at four months old.)

Elijah: I don't want to take a nap. (I'm not going to grace this with an explanation.)

Isadora: I am lonely. You stay in my room mom. (Nope. See above.)

Emerald: I pooped my pants. (Crap. Double Crap. Legitimate but annoying.)

Elijah: I am thirsty. (Not legitimate. Suck it up.)

Isadora: Pink Milk. Me want Pink Milk. (Not legitimate. See above.)

Emerald: WAAAAAAAH! (See above.)

Elijah: I broke the soap dispenser you just spent $25 on because me and Dora loved it and poured liquid soap all over the carpet when I went to the bathroom for the eighth time in an hour. Please don't be mad at me. (Maybe he didn't say all that, but you get the point.)

Elijah: I need you to wipe my bum. If I do it myself, it itches. (GAH!!!)

Emerald: WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH pause for breath WAAAAAHHHAAAHHHAAAAHHAHH!

Mom: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (LEGITIMATE! @&^$$@&*#*#)

When dad comes home, he says, "You look tired. Is everything okay?"

Should you read this blog?

Who am I? I am a mother of three children under the age of four. I am an attorney married to an ER doctor and I live in Texas. I stay at home with my kids all week.

Ads and slogans designed to teach mothers not to shake their kids baffled me for years before I had a kid. Now I totally get why you need to make sure frazzled parents know--Never Never Never shake a baby. Even when it screams all day and all night. Even when you can't sleep. Even when you can't shower, and you haven't slept. Did I mention you haven't slept?

If you don't comprehend the reason such ads should exist, warning even good parents to Never Ever shake a baby, even if you have kids, you shouldn't be reading this blog. You aren't a frazzled mom and you won't be able to understand the language I am speaking.

If you don't speak Russian, do you go looking for Russian blogs to peruse? No. It only makes sense then, that you get off my blogspace if you don't speak frazzledmom*. If you don't think it's a language, you don't speak it. If you speak frazzledmom, this rather confusing verbal vomit will make total sense to you. To those readers, I say, read on my friend. Read on.

* Men can speak frazzledmom too. This happens either with prolonged exposure to wives who are fluent OR through the less common significant (Herculean) effort of a man to support and love a frazzledmom. For instance, significant sleep deprivation, or participation in child rearing can render a man fluent in frazzledmom as well.