BC

You may think BC means "Before Christ." You would be wrong. In frazzledmom, it means before children.

Lots of people erroneously believe AD means "After Death." Of course, that makes no sense because then 33 years of history would sit between BC and AD. However, in this blog, it means "After Death of my freedom, aka, the birth of my first child."

I had many many many opinions BC. They were mostly ridiculous. I thought I'd share a few today.

BC: Looking at a mom and dad in the airport sitting by a kid who is watching a movie on a portable DVD player, I thought the following, "What is wrong with them? Don't they realize their kid needs their love and attention? I mean, if they plug the kid in on vacation, when will that kid ever get any affection?"

AD: Interior monologue while on vacation with my kids. "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LOOK AT THIS DVD player for ONE SECOND so *I* can have something resembling a break on what is supposed to be a vacation because if you don't I might do something horrible like bite you on the arm."

Don't worry I only bit one of my kids on the arm. And only that one time.

________________________________________________________

BC: Inner dialogue at church. "OMG my nephew is drooling on my arm. HOLY CRAP this is so gross. Where am I going to wipe it? My dress is dry clean only so obviously drool will spot it permanently, ruining my $140 outfit. I can't believe I am holding this kid and I am getting drool everywhere. This is SO gross."

AD: Drool barely makes the list of "Things to wipe off" anymore. The List goes something like this...

7. Drool

6. Mushy unknown substance (usually some kind of pre-chewed food the kid spits in your hand). If you have nowhere to put it, you eat it yourself, of course.

5. Boogers/Snot

4. Spit up

3. Infant Pooh

2. Pooh Made By Kids Eating Real Food

1. Vomit Made By Kids Eating Real Food

_______________________________________________________________

BC: Is that mom giving her kid CANDY? You can't give kids candy. You'll ruin them for life AND probably make them sick.

AD: Something I regularly say to Eli, "If you PROMISE not to hit your sister all day today, I will give you this bag of _____ candy." (Yes, it usually works.)

____________________________________________________________

BC: Inner monologue while watching a parent who I deemed too lax/inattentive. "Why doesn't that parent discipline their child? I mean, really, he/she/it is crawling all over the furniture. Besides which, you should be watching your own kid and not leaving them to pester me."

AD: Inner monologue while my kid crawls all over someone else, or their new furniture. "THANK HEAVENS my kids are pestering the crap out of my sister/cousin/little known stranger and leaving me alone for 5 minutes. Oh? Eli hit his sister? I am so glad I didn't see it so I don't have to go get up to discipline him."

______________________________________________________________

BC: On a plane. "That baby has been crying for like 10 minutes. What the crap is wrong with that mom? Do something for that kid. Sheesh."

AD: On a plane. "HOLY CRAP I can't get him to stop crying. I've tried: pacifiers, treats, bottles, new diaper, toys, DVD player with dozens of DVD options, funny faces, bouncing, burping, patting, treats and bottle again, my thumb, songs, more silly faces and so on ad nauseum, etc. TIMES INFINITY and this FREAKING KID WON'T STOP crying!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

Head explodes.

______________________________________________________________

BC: At the grocery store. "Is that mom really giving that kid candy just to keep her quiet while shopping? Oh please. What a bad precedent to set. That kid is spoiled."

AD: At the store now. "OF COURSE I will give you a new toy if you can be good for five minutes to I can get the ten gallons of milk you little rats drink and make it back out to the car to spend five minutes loading you up while the milk sweats and the frozen food melts. No problem. A toy and candy? Maybe. We'll see. Depends on how good (but what I really mean is bad) you are."

_______________________________________________________________

BC: Seeing an injured child. "That mom needs to calm down. That kid is going to freak out more because she isn't being calm. Children feed off the parents's emotions."

AD: Seeing MY injured child. Interior monologue that ONLY BARELY shows through to my face and conduct. "HOLY FREAKING CRAP. HOLY FREAKING HOLY FREAKING CRAP my baby my baby my baby. MY BABY!!!! AHHHH!! My baby hurts. Is that a drop of blood? WHAT IF she is injured permanently... like for life!? Is that doctor making her hurt worse? I swear I will kill him if she cries more. BACK AWAY from my poor tiny little injured child. I swear if anyone tries to hurt him I will smack them in the face."

Yeah, AD is a gamechanger. That's for sure.