The Awakening

Youth is utterly wasted on the young.

I heard that sentiment when I was young and did not (unsurprisingly) understand it at all.

My little brother Jesse and I burned a book while we were in High School. We were forced to read The Awakening by Kate Chopin in English and both agreed it was total rubbish.

The book's protagonist Edna has two sons. Her husband is a total jerk. She falls in love with another man while on vacation. Knowing any relationship is doomed, he flees on business before anything really "happens" between them.

Edna is in a downward spiral, and becomes emotionally distant from her entire life. In the end, after an affair with someone else entirely, etc., she walks into the ocean, committing suicide.

This book embodied, to our teenage minds, every thing that was wrong with the world. Mothers must love their children and their calling in life to care for them. Mothers should not fall in love with other men, commit affairs with someone else entirely, abandon their children, and most of all, they should not commit suicide, leaving everyone else holding the bag on their responsibilities. I still believe all of that.

There was nothing wrong with Edna's life. No terrible trauma, no inciting event that threw her down this depressing path. Her own ennui led to her eventual demise.

And yet.

I decided to have children. I had a career, I had hopes and dreams of my own for another path as well (writing novels) and I had hobbies that I truly enjoyed. I had hobbies I hoped to enjoy later (horses.) I had a man I loved. And we thought, "Hey, let's have some kids. That'll make everything better."

In a way I cannot fully explain, having children was the absolute best thing I've ever done in my life. They bring me deep and abiding joy. They bring me laughter. They bring me perspective. I had to give up almost everything about what made me who I am to be their mother, and it was totally worth it.

Having kids was also the hardest thing I've ever done. Suddenly nothing in the world is about me. I used to have the space to be a great wife and still be Bridget. I could clean up after my very messy male roommate and cook, and clean, and do laundry (which he helped with) and still have time to work, to hobby, to exercise, to love.

Now every single minute of my life is pre-spent on either being a good wife, or being a good mom. I can't shower, work out, or do my hair without scheduling it. I have to stop blowdrying my hair because the baby is crying. I have to run extra laundry because Dora threw up, or Emmy pooped through her outfit. I have no money to buy new clothes because I spent it all on clothes for the kids. Or toys. Or treats.

I cook, then clean, then throw away everything I cooked after they pick over it (without eating any) and start all over again. Five minutes later, they are whining that they are hungry.

!!

I suddenly understand Edna in a new way. I don't agree with her decisions, and I think she would be the first to tell you she made some major mistakes. She didn't know that until she'd already made them, unfortunately.

But.

I get resenting your kids. I get missing the ability to have some small part of my life (or, yes, even a large part?) be about me. I cry a little inside every day as I sit feeding an unhappy child because I can't go get my hair done. I can't go work out. I look like crap all the time, which makes me feel like crap. I feel the little creative person inside me jumping up and down, screaming, "I have these ideas. I want to let them out. I want to do something impressive, and hard and good again."

To that little person I just have to keep saying, "All in good time. Don't go walk into the ocean. Your day will come again. For now, just enjoy the beautiful smiles on those little angelic faces when they paint pumpkins. Enjoy tickling their fat little bellies and washing off the mess they made on their perfect little arms and fingers. Your day will come again. And if you're fat and saggy by then, well, maybe, just maybe it was worth the sacrifice."

Because when I come right down to it, even as hard as it is to squish Bridget up inside while I put my kids first, I still think Edna was wrong. Life is messy but there's no peace to be had in giving up on slugging away at it. The peace comes when you're knee deep in sludge.

The great lesson in The Awakening that I failed to recognize when I read it years ago was that she didn't find peace and joy in leaving her family. When you allow yourself to disconnect, that's exactly what you are. Disconnected. You can't find joy if you only focus on yourself. I mean ultimately you are what you choose to do with your time. Does that mean I am a maid? A nurse? A schoolteacher? A mom?

I think I am what I need to be at the moment. I am a mom all the time right now because my kids need me so much. I have heard older moms (not necessarily in age, but in years of "mom" experience) talk about how their kids don't even seem to need them or want their help anymore. In its own way that would be profoundly painful. It's so hard to have perspective in the moment so I try to remind myself that right now my kids need almost 100% of my time and my husband demands the little bit that's left over. One day I'll be wishing they wanted more of my time.

Until then, little person inside, keep your chin up. Your day will come too. And you'll be wise enough then to take advantage of it.